Soaring and Crashing: My Bipolar Adventures

Michael Dresser Interview

2009-01-06T17:25:00.005-06:00

On Monday night, January 5, 2009 at midnight CST, I had an interview with Michael Dresser about my book and bipolar disorder.

He asked great questions. One of the things he asked, however, was how did my book come about? I answered him with this segment from the book (basically):

"Do not worry my little child," I distinctly heard in a loud, deep, but gentle voice. "You will be great some day. You will be famous. You will help a large number of people." As I stood before the spirea bush that bleak November day when I was seven years old with my eyes tightly closed, praying for the first time in my life, "Dear Father God, what must I do to make Mother love me?" I heard my answer, and when I opened my eyes, my entire body heaved in a huge convulsion, while the bush, stripped of its leaves for winter, burst aglow in shimmering tiny white blossoms of spring.

I meant to add how inspired I was a few years ago when I read Kay Redfield Jamison's Book, "An Unquiet Mind." But, the timing of the "sound bites" didn't really permit additions to my answer.

He also asked me about interpersonal relationships and how did I handle my condition, especially being a widow and looking for men. I told him I don't hold anything back and that often, within the first few emails with a new guy, I'll add the link to my Web site and just get it out in the open.

I believe he directly asked me if I had a boyfriend and I said, "No." However, I do have a boyfriend of sorts whose name is "JD" and who really cares about me. The problem is, I think he cares more about me than I do about him and that's why I said "No."

Now I'm embarrassed because I feel as though JD's feelings will get hurt if I send him the link to the interview. I sort of feel like I've been deceptive toward a very dear friend.

I guess I'll have to talk to him about it over dinner Friday night -- I'll figure something out, hopefully, so his feelings won't get hurt.

Otherwise, the interview went great.

Today, I was contacted by "bookhitch.com" from my RTIR ad to list my book on their site. So, here it is: http://www.bookhitch.com/premium_listings/book_details_100459.aspx

Another way to get the book noticed.

So, it's been a productive two days.

Degenerated Intentions

2008-09-24T10:23:00.004-05:00

As the author of Soaring and Crashing: My Bipolar Adventures, I indicated the beneficial effects of behavior-oriented psychotherapy.

Two things I have problems with are impulse control and decision-making. I tend to get all hung up in both sides of an issue and be unable to make a decision.

So, I'll spend an entire week, ruminating about what I'm going to do on the weekends. This self-rumination CAUSES depression.

Planning and problem-solving for the future is a good thing. But then, when you have the plan figured out, it's time to abandon all of the thinking about the future and how you might feel and so forth.

Regarding the impulse control: I have a tendency to throw away a relationship if I'm scared of what comes next (i.e., intimacy); or a tendency to purchase something no matter what the price such as spending as much for an item in shipping as I did for the item, just to get it to me faster.

Controlling our impulses takes careful, rational thought. It involves knowing through introspection that an action is impulsive, and restraint in following through with the impulse.

One of the key symptoms of the manic syndrome is spending too much money, and doing other things on impulse, such as starting a business, sexual promiscuity, and so forth.

Also, the inability to make decisions tends to accompany both the manic and depressive states (at least for me it does). A degenerative intention is whereby you have two sides of a decision and you fail to make that decision. You need to either decide whether it's "A" or "B," or, abandon the decision altogether. Find the pro's and con's of both sides and weigh them.

If it's just noticeable difference, then go with one side and stick with it.

This is my expose for today.

Becoming a Grandmother

2008-09-09T15:36:00.003-05:00

I've never had any children of my own. However, I have a beautiful stepdaughter, "K" who just had a little baby girl after 48 hours of labor. "AAP" weighed 6 lbs. 4 oz. and is 20-1/4" long. She has a full head of dark brown curls.

I'm as excited about this grandbaby as any grandma could be. I may get to go hold her this Saturday. YAY!

I went through the pregnancy with K, learning, vicariously, what it's like to be pregnant. Often, my Saturday afternoon visits with her were major uplifting events whilst in the midst of a rather serious depression.

One of the things that a bipolar individual MUST do while in a state of depression is to mingle with people. Don't talk about your state of mind: ACT AS IF everything is okay in your world. This goes along with the old addage: "Fake it until you make it." While that may sound trite, it really is not.

The tendency while in depression is often to whisk oneself away on a couch somewhere, and dwell on one's state of mind. This is called "self-rumination" and is a very bad thing to engage in. What happens is a set of secondary symptoms.

The primary symptoms are the depression, itself, caused by neuro-chemicals in the brain being out of balance. The secondary symptoms are what you think in reaction to the primary symptoms, such as, "Everything is hopeless; I'm useless; nothing is worthwhile," and so forth. By intermingling with people, such as perhaps going to Starbucks with friends; dining out with friends -- anything to divert your attention from your own inner self -- will help to dissipate the effects of the depression.